Wow, I've neglected my blog for so long there is probably nobody left checking it. Facebook seems the easiest way to see how someone is doing. Although as I looked a blog (the nie nie dialogues) I reminded of why a blog was special in the first place. It's like the difference between texting and having a real conversation with someone. Texting does the job. It gets the info back and forth. But once you get to sit down one on one with that friend you truly treasure those moments. So while I must fight to not become facebook addicted to the instant gratification of acknowledgment from friends, which I like so many others love, I'm greatful to visit the blogs of my friends and feel like I've had a good chat with them. Still nothing compares to really being face to face.
Anyway, what a long introduction, I've given myself. I guess I'm in a contemplative mood. There are so many things I wish I could share about my life the past year, but most of them are too tender for me to discuss here. But I am awed and inspired as I watched the 20/20 interviews of Stephanie Neilsen and her family. She is the writer of the nie nie dialogues, and is dealing with having her face and most of her body burned beyond recognition. Yet she has such a great attitude and determination to get up everyday and do those little things for her family that can seem so hard for her, and she thrills in it. It makes me want to be a better mother.
This year has been a very busy year for me, full of lots of outside assignments. Like volunteering to teach music once a week at the elementary school, being PTO President and attending all the school board meetings just so I could understand what is going on. Then there is my church calling (which I completely enjoy and would have been lost without.) Needless to say I have been sooo busy that sometimes perhaps my children have had to take backseat to my many many meetings. They have not complained and are so great. In fact today as we were watching a pbs show called Wild Krats, they were talking about alligator mommies and how they protect their babies, etc.... They said something about there not being a better mother and my sweet Wesley said, "except our mom". What a sweet thing to say.
I believe I needed to be busy this year in order to grieve slowly at a rate that could be handled without falling apart. If I was busy I was not thinking of my loss. I have been so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in getting through my trial that I felt such pain and sorrow for those in the world who do not know Him. I felt so drawn to being out there in the world to be able to help all those that I possible could. Our community struggles with community spirit, and through PTO and volunteering I've been desperately trying to encourage more community spirit. I don't know how well I've done at this, but I've given it my best shot. And now it's time for me to come home.
It is frustrating to try to save everyone, to save the world. I will keep trying if only for the one that perhaps I may help, because I know that I can not save everyone, indeed the only one I can save is myself, and then be an example to those around me. And even at that I have not "saved" myself because I am only the person I am because of what my Savior has done for me. However, the Lord is gently reminding me that those most important and most effected by my example are my own children. And what good is it to me, to save many others if I lose my own children in the process. Not that I am at risk of losing my children. They are still young, but that, or now, is the time I need to focus on them. So though it pains me some to give up the music program at the school and perhaps the PTO, as I've not been able to find a replacement yet, I know that I need to be home. Which leaves some openings that perhaps others will feel inspired to step into. I guess my perspective is changing and thats good. I just hope always to be led by the Lord to do those things that He wants me to do in the moment he wants me to do them.
Lessons of the Atonement
2 months ago