I feel so crazy inside sometimes. i'm sure it's still grieving stuff, but I just don't know. I understand the plan that our Heavenly Father had for us. And I've been blessed with amazing spiritual experiences. I know where Zeke is and why and what he's doing there. But the mortal part of me, wait that's all of me, he he, still hurts sometimes. I'm so greatful for this experience, and all that we have learned and gotten from it. I just wish my head and body didn't feel so crazy.
I feel like I'm forgetting something all the time. You know the feeling you get when you're packing for a trip and you think you may have forgotten something, but you just can't think of what it is. I just can't seem to keep my head on straight. I'm emotional and close to tears a lot of the time. I feel fat and ugly, and stupid with my words. Things just don't come out of my mouth right. I think perhaps I should not talk so much until I can reinstall my brain to mouth filter. Of course of lot of these feelings could just be postpartum. The problem is cuz I don't have the baby to care for I guess I just think that I shouldn't have to deal with all that other stuff. But it's still there. I just have to keep reminding myself that even though I don't physically have a baby here, that I did have a baby three months ago and it does take time for everything to heal. oh well. Life is still GOOD and this too shall pass.
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8 comments:
love you Leejean! Wish we could help in some way and that the hurt would soften. I'm so sorry you have to go through this painful time in your life. You are such a strong woman, but know that it's ok to grieve and cry too. You have been through a profound loss. We hope to see you guys in a few weeks at the reunion!
Ahhh-Leejean. You've always been a little on the crazy side...just kidding. Your awesome. I remember when my Mom lost my little sister at birth, for years she would set an extra plate at dinner, and completely forget she did that...completely normal I believe. Not easy, I'm sure, though.
Oh Leejean- it has got to be near unbearable to have to muster up that kind of faith and courage- but on you go, and if you are wiping tears along the way, it's okay. We're wiping with you... I could burst thinking about just how tender will your reunion with your sweetheart Zeke will be. love you so.
There is a crazy fly that keeps bugging me while I'm trying to read this. Ugh! Oh I missed him again...
I meant to say - I know how you feel. But you are beautiful! Inside and out! I believe the word for what you are experiencing is anxiety. And it's normal. Grieve! Tears are healing and a natural source of opium - go figure. Have a few nice cries on me. Love you!!!
I can only imagine the heartache you still must feel. It just can't be easy for anyone, let alone with how crazy a woman's hormones are after birth. You are an amazing person...I think of you often.
Leejean, you are amazing!! You are awesome and so full of faith. Love ya tons!
What are you talking about you a SO BEAUTIFUL and LOOK AWESOME i like being around you and the spirit you had and your faith,,,,we sure love you so much...sis let go your son he's in a safe place now...you a GREAT MOTHER and a WONDERFUL WIFE....love you so much
In my experience, crazy is pretty normal. Huge swings from thinking you are fine to wondering if you'll ever be fine again. I'm so sorry there isn't some way to make it fast but I promise time surely helps. The gospel is a huge comfort, but in those agonizing times knowing he is well and fine sure doesn't fill empty arms. Those are the times there is only one set of footprints in the sand, so to speak. I add my prayers to the others here that He will continue to carry your heart. Much love, Mellonee
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