ahhhhh! the crazies! three months.

I feel so crazy inside sometimes. i'm sure it's still grieving stuff, but I just don't know. I understand the plan that our Heavenly Father had for us. And I've been blessed with amazing spiritual experiences. I know where Zeke is and why and what he's doing there. But the mortal part of me, wait that's all of me, he he, still hurts sometimes. I'm so greatful for this experience, and all that we have learned and gotten from it. I just wish my head and body didn't feel so crazy.

I feel like I'm forgetting something all the time. You know the feeling you get when you're packing for a trip and you think you may have forgotten something, but you just can't think of what it is. I just can't seem to keep my head on straight. I'm emotional and close to tears a lot of the time. I feel fat and ugly, and stupid with my words. Things just don't come out of my mouth right. I think perhaps I should not talk so much until I can reinstall my brain to mouth filter. Of course of lot of these feelings could just be postpartum. The problem is cuz I don't have the baby to care for I guess I just think that I shouldn't have to deal with all that other stuff. But it's still there. I just have to keep reminding myself that even though I don't physically have a baby here, that I did have a baby three months ago and it does take time for everything to heal. oh well. Life is still GOOD and this too shall pass.

Meeting Zeke

I definately know that there is a God for I have felt the presence of His precious spirits testifying of Him and the plan that He has for us.

Zeke first checked in with me the day after Madi was born. I knew that there was another spirit waiting to come to our family. This feeling lingered with me for about a month and then he left me alone for a little over a year. I knew that we had a little boy waiting. I got pregnant in Deember of 08. The week before Christmas we miscarried. Two months later I found myself prego again. Then in April 08 we miscarried. It sound crazy but we really weren't trying. I was trying to let my body heal first, but found myself prego again in June. In July we miscarried again. Now let me assure you that our methods of prevention have worked for 7 years, but not this year. :) Zeke really wanted to come. At first I thought we were miscarrying because the first three fetusus must not have been viable. But now after having been through this experience and having had many spiritual impressions I've come to understand Zeke's calling and purpose in this life better. I now believe that he was waiting for the body that would allow him to fullfill his mission. This body was not a perfect body as to the worlds standards, but it was a body with Trisomy 18 that was perfect for what he needed to accomplish.

In Aug I found that I was again pregnant. During all of these pregnancies I could feel Zeke checking in with me. Sometimes he would follow us around for a bit. But usually he would check in for just a moment, just long enough to let me know that he was there. I got the feeling that his personality was much like his dad's; kind and gentle, generous, but doesn't like to bother others.

I was in my 20th week of pregnancy when we went in for a routine ultra sound. This was December 1, 2009. When I look back I realize that I was not shocked that something was wrong, but I was shocked by the severity of it. I'd had some impressions before this time that things may not be completely normal. So I was thinking that I might have a baby with downs, but I never shared these thoughts with anyone. As we dealt with the news that our sweet baby boy was going to have many problems and may not live very long if at all, we recieved much support. It was also during this time that I started to feel him move just once in a while, more like once or twice a day. I also noticed that as I could feel him move he was not checking in anymore on the outside. This is when I realized that his spirit was nolonger visiting us but constantly with us in his body inside of me. :)

Zeke was breach for almost all of my pregnancy. I started to feel very anxious that he was going to be born breach. I prayed very hard and talked to him to get him to turn head down. I knew this would be hard for him because he didn't move a lot and when he did his movements were small. But Zeke is an obedient child. When we went in for our last ultra sound in April, he was head down. He must have moved inch by inch very slowly because I did not feel him do it, except looking back I can remember feeling him on the sides of my belly, but I did not know at the time that's what was happening.

However, it was God's plan that he be born breach. So about a week before he was born he again inched his way back to being breach. Again I had no idea this was happening at the time. I was as surprised as the doctors to find him breach in delivery.

Zeke was born March 26th 2010 at 11:13 pm. He lived a moment, blinked at his dad, and then went back to his heavenly home. He did all that he could, which wasn't easy, to stay alive for as long as he could. He fulfilled his mission.

We are so greatful for the opportunity of having Zeke in our family and blessing our lives. we are so thankful to have met him.

Our Grand Adventure

Wow, what an adventure we are having. Our sweet baby boy, Zeke Ellis Stanger, was born almost 2 weeks ago on March 26th at 11:13 pm. My doctor said he lived a minute. He lived a moment just long enough to blink at his daddy. His face was beautiful. He had blue eyes just like the rest of us. His lips were beautiful and very red just like Lily's. His hair was golden just like Madison's and his hands were big like his big brother Wesley and his dad.

We've had so many little and big miracles to help us along the way. Zeke is one special spirit. I can still feel him hanging around with us. I'm so glad that we are a forever family, and I know that we will be able to see Zeke again, we'll be able to raise him in the millenium. I can't wait until I can put my arms around him again.

There is so much to say about our adventure that it'll have to be done in several posts. For now I feel much like an olympic gold medalist must feel like when they have to go back to the real world after such a great experience. I feel like I have done something really great and been a part of something marvelous, and now or soon have to go back to the real world. but I have hung my "medals"/pictures on the wall and hope to be able to remember every moment of our grand adventure.

The tooth fairy

So we must be the last stop on the toothfairies list. Cuz the last two times she's come to our house she's been late. My son is an early riser and has gotten up before the toothfairy has been there. Last night he decided to put his tooth on his desk instead of under his pillow. I told him that should be fine. I totalled planned on having the toothfairy come before I went to sleep, but um...forgot. My son came in to my room this morning and said, "Mom I guess you have to put your tooth under the pillow," huh? "the tooth fairy didn't come. So I put it under my pillow, maybe she'll come while I'm at school." ooooooooooooh, I said as the lights in my head finally came on.

Anyway, He went back and checked again after telling his sister that the toothfairy hadn't come. I happened to be in his sister's room, when he came running in saying, "she did come!!!" Yeah, toothfairy. She even paid him for his last tooth that he lost down the drain. I told him she must have been very busy last night. hm.... maybe she won't be so late next time. he he he.

Some Dreams do come true :)

So I had another ultrasound a couple weeks ago, and there was some good news. His head is now down, YEAHH!!!! I've been so worried about delivering breach. Cuz it could be harder for Zeke. It's funny though because he doesn't make any big movements so he either moved inch by inch, which is possible or ....

About a week before my scan I dreamed that he flipped head down. In my dream I could feel him moving and so I took my hands and pushed on my belly to push his head down and in my dream I felt him go fllloppp. Head down. So i'm not sure what really happened, but I think it's fun to think that my dream was really real. Now if I could just have labor in my sleep. he he!!

Quilting Fun for remembering Zeke

A friend of mine got a bunch of cute bacy print material from one of her friends and she invited me over to make a blanket for Zeke. We decided to make three blankets one for each of my older kids to remember Zeke by. We're going to have his name with a message. "Zeke Ellis Stanger Loves You." Emroidered on each quilt. It was so fun making them. We got two tops made yesterday, and the third started. I'm going to finish the third top and my friend is going to get the other two ready for tieing. So we'll get one more day of playing out of it.

My plan is to take the quilts with us to the hospital and after Zeke is born, hopefully while he's still alive, but if not we'll still take the pictures. One picture of him wrapped in each quilt with each of my other kids holding him. Then After he's gone they will still have that quilt and the picture to remeber him by.

million dollar idea

So we met with a funeral director so that we can have everything planned ahead and not have to worry about anything at the time it happens. They'll take care of everything we've talked about. Anyway they showed us a booklet of funeral programs, with pretty pictures on the outside. The small programs that you see at funerals. Well, we were looking at them and there were a couple we kind of liked but not totally. Then I thought I'd really like one of those Greg Olsen pictures the one with Christ holding a small boys hand and walking with him. So I went to Crowley's book store to see if they have any funeral stationary with those pictures.

And here's the million dollar idea. They don't and the owner didn't know of any Greg Olsen pics. on funeral stuff. Anyway, so he's going to call the company and see if they can get it. Wow, if they don't we thought that would open up a whole new market for the Greg Olsen co. I think when people see those options in the booklet they would get picked all the time. So great idea, we couldn't believe that no one else had ever asked for them. Too bad we can't make money on the idea. LOL. oh well, someone will.