It's a boy!!!

I think that this picture speaks for it's self. 

 We had our ultra-sound today!  What a great experience.  I have felt all along that this one was going to be fine, so I wasn't too worried.  But just seeing everything so perfect made me cry tears of joy.  A couple of appointments ago The nurse couldn't finda good heart beat because baby was moving around so much, so they zipped me in for a quick ultra sound. I was about 14 weeks at the time.  We saw what looked like girl parts, but she said it was really too soon to tell. But still I had thought I was having a girl and I thought that confirmed it.  I did have thoughts and feelings earlier that I might be having a boy, but after that early ultra-sound I put them out of my head.  So it was a bit of a surprise to see the boy parts below.  I am so excited to be having a little boy.  And so greatful for all the blessings that Heavenly Father has blessed us with.  Our due date is December 31st.  What a day that'll be or whenever it is that he decides to come. 

His profile

Little legs- they are beautiful!



Side view- He's laying on his back with legs and arms in the air. Just chill'n!  I need to turn the pic, but couldn't figure out how yet.  So hopefully this makes sense.  It's beautiful to me.



21 weeks - 5 months

In a few days we get to have our ultrasound.  We'll get to find out what we're having for sure.  I'm pretty sure it's a girl.  But we'll see.  It's crazy this is where we found out last year about all Zeke's problems, in this 20 ultrasound.  And then our world was changed forever.  I feel that everything is ok this time.  We've had two quickie ultrasounds previously when they couldn't get a good read on the heartbeat, and everything looked fine in both.  "She" looked like a cute little jellybean with arms and legs.  I can't wait to see how big "she's" gotten.  I can feel her move inside me now.  This is also way exciting as I did not feel Zeke move at all at this stage.  Later I did, but not a lot.  I'm greatful for all the blessings Heavenly Father has given us.  THANK YOU!!

A Great Blessing

So I've figured out why the lord was trying to tell me to slow down.  I'm happy to announce that we are expecting.  I'm due Jan.2nd.  We are so excited.  I've been so so sick, which is a good thing.  It's when I haven't been as sick that I have miscarried, so I have a strong feeling that this one is going to make it to full term.  I think it's either a girl or twins (a boy and a girl).  perhaps the twins idea is just wishful thinking, but I've felt for some time that we had a little girl waiting , I just didn't know how I was going to get her here after two miscarriages after we lost Zeke.  Patience....... all in good time..... etc.... I'm just so greatful to my Father in Heaven for blessing us with this pregnancy. 

Perspective

Wow, I've neglected my blog for so long there is probably nobody left checking it.  Facebook seems the easiest way to see how someone is doing.  Although as I looked a blog (the nie nie dialogues) I reminded of why a blog was special in the first place.  It's like the difference between texting and having a real conversation with someone.  Texting does the job.  It gets the info back and forth.  But once you get to sit down one on one with that friend you truly treasure those moments.  So while I must fight to not become facebook addicted to the instant gratification of acknowledgment from friends, which I like so many others love, I'm greatful to visit the blogs of my friends and feel like I've had a good chat with them.  Still nothing compares to really being face to face. 

Anyway, what a long introduction, I've given myself. I guess I'm in a contemplative mood.  There are so many things I wish I could share about my life the past year, but most of them are too tender for me to discuss here.  But I am awed and inspired as I watched the 20/20 interviews of Stephanie Neilsen and her family.  She is the writer of the nie nie dialogues, and is dealing with having her face and most of her body burned beyond recognition.  Yet she has such a great attitude and determination to get up everyday and do those little things for her family that can seem so hard for her, and she thrills in it.  It makes me want to be a better mother.

This year has been a very busy year for me, full of lots of outside assignments. Like volunteering to teach music once a week at the elementary school, being PTO President and attending all the school board meetings just so I could understand what is going on.  Then there is my church calling (which I completely enjoy and would have been lost without.) Needless to say I have been sooo busy that sometimes perhaps my children have had to take backseat to my many many meetings.  They have not complained and are so great.  In fact today as we were watching a pbs show called Wild Krats, they were talking about alligator mommies and how they protect their babies, etc.... They said something about there not being a better mother and my sweet Wesley  said, "except our mom".  What a sweet thing to say. 

I believe I needed to be busy this year in order to grieve slowly at a rate that could be handled without falling apart.  If I was busy I was not thinking of my loss.  I have been so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in getting through my trial that I felt such pain and sorrow for those in the world who do not know Him.  I felt so drawn to being out there in the world to be able to help all those that I possible could.  Our community struggles with community spirit, and through PTO and volunteering I've been desperately trying to encourage more community spirit.  I don't know how well I've done at this, but I've given it my best shot.  And now it's time for me to come home. 

It is frustrating to try to save everyone, to save the world.  I will keep trying if only for the one that perhaps I may help, because I know that I can not save everyone, indeed the only one I can save is myself, and then be an example to those around me.  And even at that I have not "saved" myself because I am only the person I am because of what my Savior has done for me.  However, the Lord is gently reminding me that those most important and most effected by my example are my own children.  And what good is it to me, to save many others if I lose my own children in the process.  Not that I am at risk of losing my children.  They are still young, but that, or now, is the time I need to focus on them.  So though it pains me some to give up the music program at the school and perhaps the PTO, as I've not been able to find a replacement yet, I know that I need to be home.  Which leaves some openings that perhaps others will feel inspired to step into.  I guess my perspective is changing and thats good.  I just hope always to be led by the Lord to do those things that He wants me to do in the moment he wants me to do them.

Time is a funny thing!

It seems crazy to me that time can fly and yet stand almost still all at the same time.  One year ago, I can hardly believe it has been a year, and yet I have learned so much and it seems like an eternity, we said hello and good-bye all at the same TIME, to our sweet baby boy Zeke Ellis Stanger. 

I knew that the one year anniversary, or angelversary, would be hard.  But I still planned on celebrating our beautiful son.  Which we did.  I was not prepared however for the emotional set back.  To be honest my emotions went right back to day one.  I cried and cried and slipped into a deep sadness.  After a couple weeks I'm almost back to... well not normal, for i'll never be whatever that is again.  However, I'm not sure I was ever there to begin with. :-)

But as TIME goes by whether slowly or fast, I know that our love for our Zeke and is love for us will last and last. 

Hee hee, well that's my attempt at some poetry.  I must say a HUGE thank you to all my friends who love and support me and have helped  me in my times of need.

My Aunt - A great Lady.

I've just been thinking of my Aunt.  She's been struggling with cancer and has called her children home to say "good-bye".  I hope her immediate family doesn't mind me writing about her, I am taking such a liberty based on the fact that she is my aunt.

I remember the first day I met her.  She was dating my uncle.  I was pretty much his shadow whenever we visited grandma and grandpa.  They lived on a dairy and I would follow my uncle around as he did chores, feeding the cows, and milking them.  On this day my "aunt" was also with him.  They were so kind to let me, the little kid (8yr old) following them around.  They did not send me away.  We were in the milking barn when she asked me what I thought about her being my aunt.  Well of course I was excited.  I'm so greatful for these memories. 

I'll never forget the great talks we were able to have after her first bout with cancer and when I was losing my baby boy.  Her insight and spiritual perspective were such a strength to me in my time of need.  She taught me great lessons, that I'm ever so greatful for.  I love you my aunt!!  A Great Lady.

The Gym...

So I've been losing weight again, and this time I'm able to exercise.  So I thought I'd go and enter the contest at Gold's Gym in our area to win a car.  Not that I think I'll win necessarily but it could be fun and provide more incentive.  Anyway, I got through the whole process to the picture at the end.  I weighed, did the body mass thing, and got measured, entered into the computer.  They even gave those who entered a free session with a trainer. 

Well, I got to the picture part and turns out the contest is not based on how much weight you actually lose but on the biggest difference in your pictures after 12 weeks.  So for the picture I would have to wear shorts and show my midriff etc... now this might not be a big deal for some, but for me it was a deal breaker.  Needless to say I did not get my picture taken, but I did get the free session with a trainer which I'll be doing on thursday.  and I asked for a free week's pass, which I got.  So I went yesterday and today, it's been totally fun.  Too bad the membership is just too much money right now.  But I'm having fun with it now.  Zumba, pilates, step aerobics, who knows what tomarrow may bring.